I Could Fucking KILL Myself

So I’ve been super fucking sick since last Friday- over a week now. I mean, temp over 101, not able to talk because of my sore throat, just plain out of it. Only in the past day or two I’ve been feeling even a little better- which is why I am posting, since I haven’t even been NEAR a keyboard or game machine for almost a week. Ennyways, the other night I was in the kitchen, sleep drunk. I get sleep drunk a lot 😦 But I

    also

        DROPPED

            my

                TABLET

on the floor, a four-point perfectly FLAT landing, with a loud SMACK but a louder CRACK sound inside it. Now, I have dropped my tablet a few times since I’ve had it, also slightly sleep drunk. Never so hard, so high, so perfectly flat. I could tell this was BAD.

And it was. When I picked up my tablet and looked at it, I yelled “Oh Jesus FUCK,” and tossed the tablet onto the kitchen table. The screen looked something like this, except not badly drawn in MSPaint:

That is my 9″ screen B&N Nook HD+ 16 on it’s side. There are approx. 4x as many cracks in the screen as there are cracks drawn in the pic. Plus there is more space at the top of the pic, it’s not a slim 2 pixel gap, there’s  as much space on the top as there are on the sides. ANYWAY, not important. What is important is the HUGE spiderweb of cracks in the screen. You can even feel the raised edges on two of the areas.

What is even more impressive about this is-

My Nook Still WORKS.

Every single one of my other tabs, when I have cracked the screens, have gone tits-up on me. This one still works. I am afraid to put much pressure on the worst of the cracked areas for fear of making things worse, but WOW. And moving my finger across the raised broken area is still bizarre, but there isn’t even a bobble in the motion on-screen from it. I dunno if it’s because the Nook is made out of super high quality materials or WHAT, but Jeez.

If/when the screen crack kills this tabbie, I am in trouble. Walmart doesn’t sell a 9″ Nook hd+ 16, only a 7″ Nook hd+16. I could get a 9″ hd+ 32, but that’s $179. Size means a lot, boys, I need the extra 2″ 😉

Anyway, I should be posting again now that I am feeling better. I feel 25% better than I did a few days back. Getting there. See yez all soon soonest. Love you all.

Anne

P.S. I told Rudy, and everyone else (including y’all) that if I broke this one, that was it- I can’t have tablets because I kill them. I told Robbie, our son, as I was passing him earlier, “That’s it. This is the last one. I can’t get anymore of them, not as long as I get sleep drunk.”

And he said, “Mom, are you going to be able to live without one? And you know there’s no guarantee you’ll ever stop getting sleep drunk.”

And he’s right about both parts. Up until I broke this screen, I took my tabbie EVERYWHERE. I wore it on a lanyard on my wrist when I went to bed. If I walked, I had my tabbie in my hand, lanyard on my wrist if I wasn’t sleep drunk. I don’t know if I can live without one any more, I love them so much. And sadly, I might have to resign myself to getting sleep drunk a couple times a month for the rest of my life. Can I live without a tablet that long? Obviously I can LIVE without one, it’s not like air or water :). But can I L I V E without one?

Dunno…

Well, So I Lied :)

Whoopsie. Guess I missed my own minnie deadline. But then, I am a certified flake, after all. Sigh. I do have my reasons and excuses, so I may as well enumerate so you may at least get a small taste.

I believe I have mentioned that I have a sleep problem to the point where I fall asleep while standing, or walking. I have sleep apnea- I stop breathing while I sleep. Not forever 🙂 but only for 30, 45 seconds. There is obstructive apnea, where your tongue, or uvula area, or sumpin’, falls over the opening of the windpipe and thus you can’t breathe for 30, 45 seconds, OR however long it may take for your struggles to breathe as you sleep displaces the obstruction an you can breathe again. Fun! 🙂

End PART ONE:  :O

 

Heylo. I So Sorry.

I haven’t meant to be away for so long. I am still crushed under the pressure of mega-depression and it’s hard to do anything but try and keep both Rudy and I alive. It’s getting harder and harder to keep the man I love alive. He’s not near death yet, he has a way to go, but other than that… he throws up a lot. He doesn’t mean to, he hates vomiting like everyone else does. But his stomach is such right now that anything can set off the nausea and then it’s ‘sit with a bucket and have dry heaves and occasional bursts of stomach fluids’ time. His heart acts crazy all the time- we 911’d him the other day because his heart was so off- beating wrong and too fast, he was sweaty and super dizzy… Dying before my eyes, a little bit every day.

I’ve told this to an online friend in an email and I might as well say it here too. Our 17 year old turns 18 in a few months and graduates HS as well. And then we are fucked without lube. We are one a fixed, very limited income (disability SSI) and we get an extra $600/month to pay for feeding, clothing, housing etc our son (our other 2 kids are being raised by Rudy’s sister and her family). When Robbie graduates, we lose that $600 and then we lose our house.  We make just enough, right now, to pay for the house, pay our bills, and have about $400 to buy food, entertainment, clothes, etc, for the month. When Robbie goes we lose that and $200 of the house payment.

Washington State was hit hard by the housing crisis and so there is a program called HARP that can basically cut your house payments in half, IF your mortgage is through Fannie May/Freddie Mac (sp? fuck it). Ours is through Citigroup. Yay. So now, any refi of the house will INCREASE our payments.

That’s a couple of things crushing me right now. Other than that, trying to write. Been writing ‘pet the kitty’ stories about serpents in the Modern Roman Empire for Rudy but I’ve reached a point where there is nothing more to be said there 😦 . Just have to think.  Working on the Diamond/Denfall story, have a sneaky twist coming up 🙂

Ah well. I promise I’ll be sooner for the next post. Wednesday! Promise!

Anne

Well, Isn’t THAT Amusing

I went to my Gmail account, and I couldn’t get in. My password was not what I remembered it to be. Irritating. So I told it to reset my password, and it sent the info to my alternate addy at yahoo.

…And when I went to sign in at Yahoo, that password didn’t work either. I tried reseting that password as well, but the alternate for my Yahoo is my Gmail, so… 🙂

I went to answer the Secret Question. And I was told I needed to try again tomorrow after 9:01 P.M., PST. Because the Secret Question has been locked.

Because they believe people who are not me

Have been using

MY EMAIL.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

I’m rather livid and worried and scared right now, so…

 

Another Model Wearing A Bikini That Would Fit In My Stories (For A While)

Until the snake that had swallowed her whole digested her alive over a period of 16 to 24 days before the shock and pain of being digested alive finally killed her.

Imagine The Bikini As Transparent Plastic

Hmm. Gotten a nasty horrible disgusting idea for a story thinking about all this. It’ll either get you really wet when you read it or it’ll disgust you entirely, one or the other 🙂 That story will be my next post, and the WSP story pt 2 will be soon, promise.

I live, btw. Been having a ton of extra back and leg pain this past week. Of course, my 80 year old father has been in the hospital on the brink of death himself- his gall bladder has basically exploded in his abdomen and they’ve had him in a medically induced coma since they brought him in, tube down his throat and everything, until the infection goes down and they can treat him.

I don’t want to deal with my parents dying right now. But he’s 80 and my mom’s almost 70, and my husband is dying as well. I can’t deal with all this- I’m not that strong.

 

I Don’t Know What The Future Holds

And while none of us know what the future holds, this particular situation is more immediate. Rudy has been in the hospital for over a month now, and while basically his health goes up-and-down while there, it’s been a slow decline. Right now he’s retaining a lot of fluid still. And while he’s taking a LOT of medicine to get the fluid out, it’s a very slow process. And this is crazy because if you or I were to take 1 dose of what Rudy takes, we would instantly dry up into a fine powder and disperse in the breeze. And he takes that much medicine like 5 times a day. And the fluid is only s-l-o-w-l-y coming out.

And what happens when we get him down to his target? I don’t know. It’s not like we can just say “Done!” and discharge him because he’ll instantly start retaining fluid again – and FAST. And since we don’t know WHY he’s retaining fluid, we don’t know how to make him stop. So what do we do?

Right now he’s not doing well otherwise. He’s basically given up- he doesn’t want to fight any more. So I’m fighting for him as best I can when I can make it in to the hospital. He’s confused (not all the time, but frequently), he’s weak, his body hurts more than my body hurts me (and that’s new and amazing right there). He just lays in bed wanting it to all be over and hating his life.

I don’t sleep basically at all any more. I have to sleep at home because my back requires our mattress at home- we have a special memory foam mattress and the “beds” they have for families at the hospital are cots that are HORRIBLE for you at the best of times and my body is not in a  “best of times” situation. And when I lay down in bed at night and Rudy isn’t there and the reality of the situation is just sitting on me I can’t sleep- it’s all I can do to stay alive myself. So I get up and try to keep myself distracted.

I fear the worst right now. And while I realize that is a sort of “counting the chickens before they hatch” situation since none of us know the future, I can’t help it. I am only human. A very worried, very frightened human being.

Which is sort of why it’s hard to write stories right now. Though I am trying- it is distracting, which is what I need.

Ah well. Life is life.

Anne

Well, Hi Honey. Must Pretend I Am Not Being Watched. Sigh.

Well, I guess I should have figured because I’ve asked him to read the stories I have had posted here, but I officially found out the other day that Rudy reads my blog. Hi Rudy. I love you.

Of course, it was a little more than that, a simple “Hi Dear, reading your blog,”. Since after all, just a post or so back I confessed that I have been drinking again and expected it to be our little secret.

I got a call at home from the hospital with Rudy asking me about my alcohol use. And I ended up at the hospital with him that night and we talked about my alcohol use. Well, more he asked questions while I cried my fucking eyes out. The upshot is I am clean dry and sober again which is most excellent. I just wish it hadn’t happened in this fashion with me crying and begging for forgiveness and all. From my hospitalized husband, who’s been retaining 40 lbs of fluid. And recovering from his brain bleeding. And suffering from congestive heart failure. I am such a fucking cunt.

Anyway, story to follow as soon as I get it done. Love all y’all, Rudy the most of course 🙂

Anne

And I’m Still Off That Fucking Wagon, Dammit.

I was in the store and I could have stopped myself but I didn’t – I bought a six of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. The last six of beer I bought was fucking horrible- hangover left me sick as shit, I was puking, I hated the feeling of being drunk- It was fucking horrible.

I drank a bottle of Strawberry Lemonade- 5% alcohol.

Oh God it tasted good. And the buzz felt wonderful. I drank another. Still good. Buzz still felt nice. A third bottle. Took a few hours to get this far and it felt good the whole way. Tasted good too- not like beer. Fuck, beer is horrible. This stuff tho- Oooh, this Mike’s Hard Lemonade is nice.

Next day I woke up and no hangover.

I’m off the God damned wagon and trying hard to make sure this is a one-shot situation. Number one, it;s fucking expensive. About 8 bucks a six pack. And I can’t drink it when my oldest is around, and since his dad is in the hospital, he’s around ALL THE TIME when he gets home from school. Playing on my computer, hanging around me. Talking, etc. Not a bad thing at all- he’s a good kid in a bad situation- his dad is in the hospital and slowly dying in front of his eyes. And now, while he doesn’t realize it’s happening, his recovering alcoholic step-mom is becoming an alcoholic step-mom again.

FUCK. I have a six and a half of Mike’s with me right now, drinking before he gets home. I have to stop this. I can’t go back to being a full fledged dying alcoholic- it almost killed me before. I had less than 2 months of life left before- my liver was dying, my kidneys were dying, my pancreas was dying…

And oh MAN this Mike’s is good and it tastes good and it feels good to be drunk again but not so drunk I can’t function, and NO FUCKING HANGOVER from this stuff (I can’t stress how wonderful that last part is).

What the fuck am I going to do?

Anne

What’s Up With Rudy Right Now

Okely, first things first: he’s doing “ok”. The bleed in his brain is no longer a bleed- in fact, most of the blood from the bleed is gone. Yay. A good thing 🙂 . His hands are healing, another good thing. Now for the bad- his thyroid levels are way low, and while this is because he has no thyroid, the meds he takes should bring that back  up. They aren’t right now. So he’s also retaining like 40 lbs of fluid and that’s not good. In fact, it;s so not good because we can’t get the fluid off of him- he was on a SHITLOAD of diuretics before I took him in and he retained fluid. Since he’s been in the hospital, they’ve added MORE diuretics, and he’s simply retrained MORE fluid. His feet are huge with fluid, and he swells from the top down- once his feet start to swell, it’s because the fluid doesn’t have anywhere else to go.

So they are telling him RIGHT NOW he’s going to be in the hospital for at least another three weeks. F-U-C-K. I want my husband home RIGHT NOW. I miss him. I’m horny too, and I miss his cock, dammit. I started taking these steroid injections (not ‘just cause’- they’ve been prescribed to me because I was falling asleep like 18 out of 24 hours a day. One of the side affects is that NOW my pussy has woke up- it’s been asleep for a few years now and I thought it was the meds I was taking. Apparently not- since I started taking my steroid injections, Little Anne has woke up and she’s a HUNGRY little bitch 🙂 ).

But that’s the ‘sick husband’ situation right now. Leaving me at home when I can’t go visit him (like today- I take my shots every 2 weeks, and at the end of the 2 weeks I’m falling asleep again. Today I was falling asleep every time I turned around, so I gave myself my shot. It was time- I should have done it yesterday), miserable, bored.

Sigh.

Anne

It’s About As Bad As It Can Get Right Now

Right now the man that I love, the reason I am living, the love of my life, is in the hospital. He’s been having seizures and I had him dragged off to the hospital. Once there they did CT scans, and it’s awful. His skull is full of fresh blood all along the right side, there is old blood from his bleeding there all day, and he is lying in bed non-responsive.

They are going to ship him off to a bigger hospital so they can drill burr holes in his skull to let off the pressure, but first they have to stop the bleeding in his head.

I am going insane right now, but I am going to go to the hospital and go insane there, sitting in the room while the man that I love bleeds inside his head.