Heylo. I So Sorry.

I haven’t meant to be away for so long. I am still crushed under the pressure of mega-depression and it’s hard to do anything but try and keep both Rudy and I alive. It’s getting harder and harder to keep the man I love alive. He’s not near death yet, he has a way to go, but other than that… he throws up a lot. He doesn’t mean to, he hates vomiting like everyone else does. But his stomach is such right now that anything can set off the nausea and then it’s ‘sit with a bucket and have dry heaves and occasional bursts of stomach fluids’ time. His heart acts crazy all the time- we 911’d him the other day because his heart was so off- beating wrong and too fast, he was sweaty and super dizzy… Dying before my eyes, a little bit every day.

I’ve told this to an online friend in an email and I might as well say it here too. Our 17 year old turns 18 in a few months and graduates HS as well. And then we are fucked without lube. We are one a fixed, very limited income (disability SSI) and we get an extra $600/month to pay for feeding, clothing, housing etc our son (our other 2 kids are being raised by Rudy’s sister and her family). When Robbie graduates, we lose that $600 and then we lose our house.  We make just enough, right now, to pay for the house, pay our bills, and have about $400 to buy food, entertainment, clothes, etc, for the month. When Robbie goes we lose that and $200 of the house payment.

Washington State was hit hard by the housing crisis and so there is a program called HARP that can basically cut your house payments in half, IF your mortgage is through Fannie May/Freddie Mac (sp? fuck it). Ours is through Citigroup. Yay. So now, any refi of the house will INCREASE our payments.

That’s a couple of things crushing me right now. Other than that, trying to write. Been writing ‘pet the kitty’ stories about serpents in the Modern Roman Empire for Rudy but I’ve reached a point where there is nothing more to be said there 😦 . Just have to think.  Working on the Diamond/Denfall story, have a sneaky twist coming up 🙂

Ah well. I promise I’ll be sooner for the next post. Wednesday! Promise!

Anne