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And I’m Still Off That Fucking Wagon, Dammit.

I was in the store and I could have stopped myself but I didn’t – I bought a six of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. The last six of beer I bought was fucking horrible- hangover left me sick as shit, I was puking, I hated the feeling of being drunk- It was fucking horrible.

I drank a bottle of Strawberry Lemonade- 5% alcohol.

Oh God it tasted good. And the buzz felt wonderful. I drank another. Still good. Buzz still felt nice. A third bottle. Took a few hours to get this far and it felt good the whole way. Tasted good too- not like beer. Fuck, beer is horrible. This stuff tho- Oooh, this Mike’s Hard Lemonade is nice.

Next day I woke up and no hangover.

I’m off the God damned wagon and trying hard to make sure this is a one-shot situation. Number one, it;s fucking expensive. About 8 bucks a six pack. And I can’t drink it when my oldest is around, and since his dad is in the hospital, he’s around ALL THE TIME when he gets home from school. Playing on my computer, hanging around me. Talking, etc. Not a bad thing at all- he’s a good kid in a bad situation- his dad is in the hospital and slowly dying in front of his eyes. And now, while he doesn’t realize it’s happening, his recovering alcoholic step-mom is becoming an alcoholic step-mom again.

FUCK. I have a six and a half of Mike’s with me right now, drinking before he gets home. I have to stop this. I can’t go back to being a full fledged dying alcoholic- it almost killed me before. I had less than 2 months of life left before- my liver was dying, my kidneys were dying, my pancreas was dying…

And oh MAN this Mike’s is good and it tastes good and it feels good to be drunk again but not so drunk I can’t function, and NO FUCKING HANGOVER from this stuff (I can’t stress how wonderful that last part is).

What the fuck am I going to do?

Anne

June 14, 2012 - Posted by | Being A Miserable Cunt, Clinical Fucking Depression Yo, Drinking When I Should Be SOber, My Illness, The Universe Hates Me, Where I be at, Whining

7 Comments »

  1. It’s the hardest thing you can ever do but you have to find the inner strenth to pour that shit out. I care what happens to you.

    Comment by Paul Wandland | June 14, 2012 | Reply

  2. we all care what happens to you Anne…seriously…drinking won’t solve your problems, heck I don’t even know why people think they would heal your issues or make it go away…it doesnt, Hang in there

    Comment by ssfsdelta911 | June 14, 2012 | Reply

  3. What can you do? You have my number and you can call anytime. You’re too good of a friend to have me sit idle while this is going on. This is some serious shit girl so let us help when/where/if we can. You’re not alone, you have back up. Always will.

    Comment by Falsdoon | June 15, 2012 | Reply

  4. FYI There’s folks on Disturbing Things and out in the real world that are pulling for you and wish you the best. Never think you’re alone girl. We’re behind you on this all the way.

    Comment by Falsdoon | June 17, 2012 | Reply

  5. You need to swallow your pride and not more alcohol and GET TO AN AA MEETING. Get youself the support you need to find your strengths so you don’t slide back again

    Comment by john | June 17, 2012 | Reply

    • She’ll get no help at AA, that crackpot christian cult actually cuts a person’s chances in half. She knows it and so do I. That’s why i wrote a FREE on-line book on recovery that covers 21st century research and not AA’s Victorian Age imaginings The support group she needs are her friends and family while she sorts things out. After a decade plus before hitting a speed bump says she’s pretty good about keeping it together. All we have to do is be there for her.

      Comment by Falsdoon | June 19, 2012 | Reply

      • Since you’re pushing AA that means you’re probably brain washed into thinking it actually works. That means you’ll detest my writings on the topic. Here’s the link, just in case I’m wrong: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/140925

        Comment by Falsdoon | June 19, 2012


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