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I Don’t Know What The Future Holds

And while none of us know what the future holds, this particular situation is more immediate. Rudy has been in the hospital for over a month now, and while basically his health goes up-and-down while there, it’s been a slow decline. Right now he’s retaining a lot of fluid still. And while he’s taking a LOT of medicine to get the fluid out, it’s a very slow process. And this is crazy because if you or I were to take 1 dose of what Rudy takes, we would instantly dry up into a fine powder and disperse in the breeze. And he takes that much medicine like 5 times a day. And the fluid is only s-l-o-w-l-y coming out.

And what happens when we get him down to his target? I don’t know. It’s not like we can just say “Done!” and discharge him because he’ll instantly start retaining fluid again – and FAST. And since we don’t know WHY he’s retaining fluid, we don’t know how to make him stop. So what do we do?

Right now he’s not doing well otherwise. He’s basically given up- he doesn’t want to fight any more. So I’m fighting for him as best I can when I can make it in to the hospital. He’s confused (not all the time, but frequently), he’s weak, his body hurts more than my body hurts me (and that’s new and amazing right there). He just lays in bed wanting it to all be over and hating his life.

I don’t sleep basically at all any more. I have to sleep at home because my back requires our mattress at home- we have a special memory foam mattress and the “beds” they have for families at the hospital are cots that are HORRIBLE for you at the best of times and my body is not in a  “best of times” situation. And when I lay down in bed at night and Rudy isn’t there and the reality of the situation is just sitting on me I can’t sleep- it’s all I can do to stay alive myself. So I get up and try to keep myself distracted.

I fear the worst right now. And while I realize that is a sort of “counting the chickens before they hatch” situation since none of us know the future, I can’t help it. I am only human. A very worried, very frightened human being.

Which is sort of why it’s hard to write stories right now. Though I am trying- it is distracting, which is what I need.

Ah well. Life is life.

Anne

June 29, 2012 - Posted by | Bleakest Despair, Bloviation, Clinical Fucking Depression Yo, Generalized Rambling, Husband's Illness, The Universe Hates Me, Whining

3 Comments »

  1. Anne Right now is not the time to be writing any stories…Listen what Im about to say is gonna suck to think about but its true…You need to be there for him as much as possible but you also need to sleep. You need to be well rested, if you can’t sleep at least just close your eyes to rest them a bit. You need to be awake and alive enough for him to be there for his possible last moments, but if your overtired your not gonna think rationally and you will become hysterical…And possibly even do damage to yourself.

    Now the reality part, Yes Rudy could die…and your mind is saying to itself “what will I do if he’s die?” Your probably thinking about taking your life, but that wouldn’t be what he would want, You need to live enough for the both of you, even now as he’s given up especially you need to live hard for the both of you, encourage him, ease his pain and tell him how much he means to you…fuck blow him if you have to if you think it will help but you shouldn’t let this take you down too. The more you give up the more he will give up. You should always be there by his side with a smile, always be bright and cheering, yeah I know easier said then done, but even if you gotta fake it, your positive influence will influence him to keep fighting.

    You Give up and he will give up. Never lose hope and never lose faith.

    Hang in there Ill be praying for you and Rudy

    Sincerely: Delt-….No no this wouldnt be appriopiate..
    Sincerely: James.

    Comment by ssfsdelta911 | June 29, 2012 | Reply

  2. There’s nothing I can add to above. All I can say is I’m here to help with whatever is in my power to give. All you have to do is ask my friend and it’s yours.

    Comment by Falsdoon | June 29, 2012 | Reply

  3. So sorry you’re going through this. Don’t be concerned about writing, or not writing, stories right now. You just need to do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself. I’m sending good thoughts your way.

    Comment by Scharfrichter | July 2, 2012 | Reply


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