The Love Of My Life, The Only Man I Have Ever Truly Loved
passed away on Tuesday night. The docs had given him near 6 months to live but it took about 9 days total.
I got nowhere near the time with my Willem, my Rudy, that I wanted and needed. Right now I am not dealing with his death to deal with his death. How am I not dealing with his death?
I am numb.
How am I getting numb enough to not deal with my husband’s death? How am I getting numb enough that the death of my husband does not kill me too?
I think you know.
Mike’s Hard Lemonade (in it’s various flavors) is an amazing alcoholic drink. 4% alcohol. 12 oz can or bottle slammed in 45 seconds or less takes effect VERY quickly. Periodically, I have excused myself from where everyone is because I am starting to feel and I can’t have THAT, gone to my bedroom, slammed a Mike’s and headed back.
No one has said anything, no one has hinted anything, so I believe that so far no one but me knows. And people would ask me- Robbie is here and he caught me the last time I was drinking by the physical evidence I left behind (I leave NO evidence anymore- very sneaky bitch) and he hates it if I drink; Rudy’s parents are here and while the mom likes me the dad HATES me- either of them would say something because neither of them drink and they know that I can’t drink because of my alcoholism; my sister-in-law and husband live across the street with my kids and THEY would say something, as well as my two youngest if they knew.
No one has said a thing.
I had to drink a 6 pack of Mike’s during the entire day today- one in the morning, one around brunch, one around lunch, in the afternoon, late evening, one after dinner. I am continuing to drink as the night rolls. I have been drinking since… Monday or Tuesday night.
This alcohol leaves no hangover, doesn’t taste horrible, doesn’t make me act the way I do on all the other alcohols.
Mike’s is VERY DANGEROUS because of this.
I dunno when I can post again because I feel like I am dying inside. I’ll post when I am drunk enough to not feel anything.
Anne2Snakie's Erotic Snake Swallowings 
My sincere condolences, Anne,
I don’t know you but I like your stories. I wish you all the strength to go through this difficult time.
Wishing you peace, courage and strength in the time ahead and yes, looking forward to read you again when you are ready.
Fab
Hello Anne. Ii know your finding some way to get through the pain but I dont think getting pissed drunk is the answer, and its not the one Rudy would wanted for you either. You should seek help, therapy or something to save your own soul, but getting drunk till your numb is the type of thing thats never worked out. How do I know this? I know this from being Security and doing Patient watch where Ive watched people who have drank themselves stupid or turned to drugs to try and get over big pains. Its never worked, it ends up with you on a psyche ward with a G4S guard watching you like a baby sitter, and its not fun. So please maybe seek help of some sort that doesn’t involve you destroying yourself. Right now you doing storys isn’t important, its recovery. And you need that time to do so. So please hang in there and do the right thing. Its my birthday today but here I am sitting here worrying about you instead, and don’t say something like “Sorry for being a burden” cause true friends share your burden. So if you need someone to vent to you got my email and skype contact information. But please…don’t destroy yourself with booze or drugs.
Signed: Delta9-11
I have signed myself up for grief counseling, and I am also doing the other things I have to do to get through this. I am not just trying to self medicate, because self-medicating doesn’t work and I know this. It just puts off the pain for later instead of feeling it just now. So no fear, I am just doing this for a while longer then stopping. And how do I know I can do this instead of just be fooling myself?
I did this last year or so when Rudy was in the hospital, quit then. I can do it again now.
My dear friend, all I can say is sincere condolences. But please PLEASE don’t start drinking again!!! Please stop NOW! It can only make things worse if someone finds out.and you don’t need the extra bullshit!!! I know, easier said than done sometimes but please try….for yourself, not us. I’ve given you my number in the past, I’ll e-mail it to you again. If you need to talk about anything….ANYTHING….give me a call. I’m here.
You have my deepest condolences on your loss.
It’s been a long while since we talked, but I hope you’ll agree with me when I say we used to be what I would call good friends. In one way or another you’ve been a part of my life for over a decade. Even after we stopped emailing I kept reading your blog (even if you never thought I read it in the first place), keeping up with what was going on. There were cringes, and smiles, and nails bitten, and then this.
It seems like you have a lot of friends who really care about you – but if you need one more, I’m here.
We used to talk all the time, you and I, and it really hurt when you basically said “Hey, no more. Email if you want to talk- I’m busy.” Still does because I thought we were quite good friends. And I stopped emailing you because I told you, I am terrible at emailing- I can’t do it. And I couldn’t, and I didn’t. I told you it would happen 😦
I’ve ever been emotionally close enough to someone to honestly know what you are going through; even friends who have confided with me their closest secrets have never learned mine: they haven’t asked and I haven’t volunteered them. Just posting here reveals something about me that I have never told anyone. ANYONE.
With that in mind, take this as a sincere plea: you are worth saving. Do not, even in these darkest of your hours, give up on yourself. I have often had self-destructive thoughts, but I remember this one thing that keeps me going: death comes for us all in time, but there is much to see, and if I quit on life before it quits on me, I might miss it—and as much of it is horrible, some of it is wonderful, or at least fascinating, and I’d hate to miss it because I gave in at a bleak moment.
To prove this, if you pull yourself through this, I shall write, just for you, a most amazing snake story that I’ve had in mind for some time now. This I promise—it will be like nothing you have ever read.
I mean it. Don’t give up on yourself. Concentrate each day on just getting through that day; on telling yourself, “I may really want that drink—NEED it, but I’ll reward myself with it after I do this other thing.” Then try and come up with another thing. Anything.
If you have a new tablet by the time the story is ready, I can even convert it to an e-book format (.mobi, .epub, etc.) that it can display.
Naturally, despite careful checking, I botched the first line of the previous reply, which should read, with the corrected word capitalized:
“I’ve NEVER been emotionally close enough to someone to honestly know what you are going through…”
D’oh.
I am so sorry to hear this. All my wishes and prayers for you and your family :
I’m sorry to hear about your lose Anne. It is hard to lose someone you love so much. To lose your soul mate. Hold in there Anne there are ways the learn to live with the pain. The pain of losing Rudy will never leave you, but it can be leased so you can live with it. I don’t want to lose you too Anne. I’ve lost so many good friends over the years and I don’t want to lose you too. I miss you.
Anne I’m so sorry. I am not eloquent with words to offer you words of comfort. what I do know is that after all you ‘ve been through you have an inner strength that surpasses any one I have ever known. Tap into that You will get through this .and go on. Remember that you are loved by many Peace paul.
My deepest condolences to you, Anne. I know this has been a long hard road. I can only wish for you to find peace and strength to deal with this loss.
I’m sorry for your loss 😦