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A Sad And Painful Goodbye To a Too Short Part Of My Life

My marriage has been… unconventional. I went into it knowing Rudy would need some heart surgery at some distant time of the future. And then, after the birth of my second child (Rudy’s third), Rudy needed emergency heart surgery. He was basically dead on the operating table, he was in such bad shape. But they replaced two of his three bad valves (the third has also collapsed and failed entirely, but it is treatable by medicines and so livable).

My youngest son is 8, and Rudy has been slowly gliding downhill, getting worse and worse as time goes by. We’ve gone through long periods of no sex because of his health, but lately I’ve been trying to keep both him and me happy doing what we can. It’s been on and mostly off. But today I tried again to help him out and get things going between us, and I have come to the sad, sad conclusion that what very very little we did today is going to be it. He’s just too sick to do anything more.

I even tried to help out at the end by just giving him a handjob, him just laying there, and it was too much stress on his system.

So, yeah, I’m a little sad today. Since I got married, life has been a long series of mournings. You don’t have to lose someone to mourn something- you can mourn the loss of the ability to walk, mourn not being able to play basketball, mourn that your DVD player broke, mourn that your husband is horribly ill. Mourn the loss of sex in your marriage. Mourn the loss of your partners ability to do what he used to do and enjoy. Mourn what your life was, what your life is.

I mourn for me, of course, but I also mourn more for Rudy and what he’s lost. Every day he apologizes for being a horrible husband when he can’t do something he used to do. And no matter what I say, I know he still feels it.


December 23, 2012 - Posted by | Bleakest Despair, Husband's Illness, Mourning, Whining


  1. You have all my sympathy, I sincerely hope things improve for you.

    Comment by psycho | December 24, 2012 | Reply

  2. I won’t go into it here, I’ll be sending an e-mail for that, but I understand Rudy’s apologies. He loves you and wants to do for you and because he can’t he feels he’s letting you down. The wife and I do the same with each other constantly, each thinking we should be doing more for the other. On that the two of you have something too few manage because we live in a time and place that breeds selfish people. On that point you’re lucky than many even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Be well my friend. You know you can contact me any time if you need someone to talk to.

    Comment by Falsdoon | December 24, 2012 | Reply

  3. Health, physical and mental, are precious and terrifyingly fleeting at times. You are right to mourn the loss of his capacities and to feel sad for the change in your life. The key to moving forward is to take heart in what you still have between you, the love, the companionship, the warmth of each other’s touch and softness of each other’s voices. You and Rudy are in my and my fiance’s thoughts this holiday season, and we hope for nothing but the best comes your way and perhaps hold out hope for both of you.

    Comment by Voltmeter | December 24, 2012 | Reply

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